Many people think that mediation and negotiation should be without emotion. They wrongly assume that rational negotiation means leaving emotions outside the door.
There is a great book by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro called “Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate”. I love this book! It talks about the core emotional concerns that every person has, and how people in mediation or negotiation can get better results if they pay attention to, and try to meet, these needs for each person.
I was teaching an Advanced Level Mediation and Negotiation course last week, with some amazing colleagues: Dr. Barbara Fidler, Dr. Barbara Benoliel and Heather Swartz. We had a remarkable group of senior family lawyers, psychologists, and social workers in the room. We took a relatively common family law situation… separated couple, two teenagers, high emotion, a single incident of violence resulting in a criminal charge, and the resultant chaos for the family…. and asked the course participants to use a “circle process” to try to resolve the problems.
We use professional actors in our courses, and so the actors playing the children in particular were outstanding. It was incredible to see the difference when the co-mediators used a restorative “circle” process, instead of the usual, more formal mediation process used by most mediators. The emotions were intense for sure; but they were also real. And they allowed the parties to express what they were feeling and why. And through this very difficult experience the parents and children were able to really understand each other’s worlds better, which lead to some good ideas about how to move forward. Although it was all a role play, it was very much like the restorative justice conferences I have experienced in other contexts. Powerful and effective stuff.
Emotions are important
Many people think that mediation and negotiation should be without emotion. They wrongly assume that rational negotiation means leaving emotions outside the door.
There is a great book by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro called “Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate”. I love this book! It talks about the core emotional concerns that every person has, and how people in mediation or negotiation can get better results if they pay attention to, and try to meet, these needs for each person.
I was teaching an Advanced Level Mediation and Negotiation course last week, with some amazing colleagues: Dr. Barbara Fidler, Dr. Barbara Benoliel and Heather Swartz. We had a remarkable group of senior family lawyers, psychologists, and social workers in the room. We took a relatively common family law situation… separated couple, two teenagers, high emotion, a single incident of violence resulting in a criminal charge, and the resultant chaos for the family…. and asked the course participants to use a “circle process” to try to resolve the problems.
We use professional actors in our courses, and so the actors playing the children in particular were outstanding. It was incredible to see the difference when the co-mediators used a restorative “circle” process, instead of the usual, more formal mediation process used by most mediators. The emotions were intense for sure; but they were also real. And they allowed the parties to express what they were feeling and why. And through this very difficult experience the parents and children were able to really understand each other’s worlds better, which lead to some good ideas about how to move forward. Although it was all a role play, it was very much like the restorative justice conferences I have experienced in other contexts. Powerful and effective stuff.