At a recent workshop I did with fellow parents of teenagers, I was asked whether it is appropriate to ever negotiate with a teenager.
It is a good question. Especially if we consider our role to be that of boundary-setter; how can we negotiate without losing authority?
I think one of the hardest things for parents of teens to accept is that they cannot control their children at this age. Not their behaviour. Not their language. Not their appearance. Not their tendency to lie. Not their decisions to drink, stay out past curfew, smoke weed or paint graffiti.
Some parents find this alarming; and those are the very parents who experience the most conflict with their children.
In one of the books I have read, parents are advised to “never negotiate with a terrorist”. I could not disagree more. Teens who act like terrorists do so for a reason. The conflict we experience with them is a good thing; it shows that they need and want to remain engaged with us. If they did not care, they would just stop fighting. They need us, and so they maintain a connection through conflict. They are defining for themselves the boundaries of a healthy parent-child relationship, and that means they will at times act like terrorists.
So how do you negotiate with someone like that? First, by accepting and loving them, unconditionally, for who and what they are. By standing firm about your expectations of them, and letting them know that you will not accept a violation of the rules. By treating them like the responsible person you expect them to be. By being clear about the consequences of any breach of the rules. (You will need to decide for yourself whether punishment is an effective deterrent.) By being a thoughtful, calm, patient, non-judging and empathetic listener. And by being willing to flex when, after hearing them, they make some sense and help you realize that perhaps the rule should be bent or changed.
Negotiation with teens is not that much different from negotiation with any other difficult person; it just takes a willingness on the part of the parent to understand the needs of the person with whom they are negotiating. And teens have a very unique set of needs that are, thankfully, temporary.
Hi Hilary, I loved your article and fully agree. Teenagers seek to control their environment. As parents if we give them some control through negotiation, they will likely not insist on rebelling to gain full control.
I remember this one time when my two oldest kids had done something inappropriate (can’t remember what it was) and I was so angry I grounded them from going to an important Friday night dance at the school. They were upset and I felt really badly because I didn’t want them to miss this great chance to have fun. When I got home the next day I talked to them about the grounding and told them the punishment may have been too harsh so…we negotiated a different punishment. They got to go to the dance and I got the million leaves raked off my yard before the weekend. I’m not sure how negotiation can be wrong. Anyway…thought I’d share my silly little story!
That is a great story!! It is so true… and sometimes so hard…. to accept that which you cannot control. Like every time they walk out the door! Yikes.
I enjoyed your posting re: Negotiation with your Teen?
I have two boys, and as such, they are often silent and non communicative. It’s a good reminder to not take it so personally, and fear it’s the end of the relationship with the Mother and/or Father.
Good advice: Remain calm and respectful while staying engaged with regard to the issues and daily lessons at hand. They need their space, and will be more open to discussion if they’re shown a little space without letting things go.
Mother’s (re: teen boys) – don’t sweat the small stuff. They’ll fall down – seem distant – uncaring – make mistakes – stick with them, believe in them, and help your boys thru their teens. They’ll be back in their late teens / early 20′s in spades. Caring, loving, considerate and well grounded. A hope we can look forward too!
Thanks for sharing.
Jay