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Robert Mnookin, head of the Negotiation Program at Harvard Law School (and one of my favourite writers on conflict resolution) is interviewed in today’s Globe and Mail. What he has to say is directly relevant to the dilemma faced by every family lawyer and family law client: what kind [...] Continue Reading…
Going through a separation is difficult and confusing enough all on its own.
It wasn’t all that long ago (when I used to litigate in fact) that most people just found themselves a good family lawyer to handle it all for them. And most of the time, that meant [...] Continue Reading…
Every mediation client should have a good lawyer. But what kind of lawyer do you need?
A collaborative lawyer is a good choice as your mediation counsel.
Why? The main reason is obvious. The work that collaborative lawyers and mediators do is much the same.
Like mediators, collaborative lawyers focus on finding [...] Continue Reading…
Many people think that mediation and negotiation should be without emotion. They wrongly assume that rational negotiation means leaving emotions outside the door.
There is a great book by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro called “Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate”. I love this book! It talks about [...] Continue Reading…
Every time I read a story about the civil suit launched by David and Dana Chatwell against the Ontario government, among others, my imagination goes wild.
I feel terribly for everyone affected by this tragic case. I feel for this poor couple and their child, for they were clearly in [...] Continue Reading…
Negotiation with Your Teen?
At a recent workshop I did with fellow parents of teenagers, I was asked whether it is appropriate to ever negotiate with a teenager.
It is a good question. Especially if we consider our role to be that of boundary-setter; how can we negotiate without losing authority?
I think one of the hardest things for parents of teens to accept is that they cannot control their children at this age. Not their behaviour. Not their language. Not their appearance. Not their tendency to lie. Not their decisions to drink, stay out past curfew, smoke weed or paint graffiti.
Some parents find this alarming; and those are the very parents who experience the most conflict with their children.
In one of the books I have read, parents are advised to “never negotiate with a terrorist”. I could not disagree more. Teens who act like terrorists do so for a reason. The conflict we experience with them is a good thing; it shows that they need and want to remain engaged with us. If they did not care, they would just stop fighting. They need us, and so they maintain a connection through conflict. They are defining for themselves the boundaries of a healthy parent-child relationship, and that means they will at times act like terrorists.
So how do you negotiate with someone like that? First, by accepting and loving them, unconditionally, for who and what they are. By standing firm about your expectations of them, and letting them know that you will not accept a violation of the rules. By treating them like the responsible person you expect them to be. By being clear about the consequences of any breach of the rules. (You will need to decide for yourself whether punishment is an effective deterrent.) By being a thoughtful, calm, patient, non-judging and empathetic listener. And by being willing to flex when, after hearing them, they make some sense and help you realize that perhaps the rule should be bent or changed.
Negotiation with teens is not that much different from negotiation with any other difficult person; it just takes a willingness on the part of the parent to understand the needs of the person with whom they are negotiating. And teens have a very unique set of needs that are, thankfully, temporary.