How to Prepare for Family Mediation 1. Learn all you can about mediation. Read articles, peruse web sites and ask questions of the mediator and your lawyer if you have one. The better-informed you are about the process, the more comfortable you will be with it. 2. Make sure your lawyer is familiar with mediation, has worked with mediators in the past and is comfortable with and supportive of your choice to mediate. 3. Choose the right mediator for you. Some mediators are more willing than others to evaluate the merits of the case, and share their opinions with the parties and their lawyers. Sometimes cultural, gender or other factors might be important in selecting the mediator. It is best that you, not just your lawyer, speak with the proposed mediator before agreeing to use him or her, to make sure you have a good "feel" for the person and his or her mediation style, qualifications and experience. 4. Be familiar with the basic "ground rules" of mediation. These include a focus on needs and goals rather than legal positions, a commitment to a fair process, honest and full disclosure, full and confidential discussions, safety for all participants, and courtesy to the other party and the mediator. In mediation, everything is to be gained by courtesy and forthrightness. Making personal attacks on the other person provides no benefit in mediation; nor are they effective mediation techniques. 5. Be clear about your own needs and goals. The focus of your first meeting with the mediator will be your needs and your goals, as opposed to your legal rights and obligations. Spend some time before that meeting reviewing your own needs and objectives so that you can communicate them clearly. If you need to understand your legal rights and obligations in order to fully assess your needs and goals, have a consultation with a family lawyer who supports your choice to mediate before you meet with your mediator. 6. Try to assess the other person's needs. Spend some time thinking about the other person's needs and goals as best you can understand them. 7. Know what you need in order to be as effective in mediation as possible. Do you work best with a detailed agenda, or are you a less linear thinker? Do you need to have facts and figures, or do you work best with general ideas? Do you work best with one idea at a time, or with several ideas on the table at the same time? Do you prefer shorter meetings with limited agendas, or longer more free-ranging meetings? Understand your own limitations and strengths so that you can help the mediator structure the mediation in a way that will work well for you. 8. What are your concerns about mediation? Are you concerned that the other person is a better "talker" than you , or that he or she has a better grip on the financial details? Or that your anxiety to end the dispute might make you agree to something that isn't fair? Are you worried that the other person's anger might interfere with the mediation? Or that you will just "give in" to the other person, as you always have? Are you concerned about bad faith, or that the mediator may not detect the subtle intimidation tactics used by the other person? Has there been violence or emotional abuse in your relationship, or are you fearful that there might be? Discuss your specific concerns with your mediator; find out how she might deal with them. 9. Be prepared to follow some basic, fair and constructive rules about negotiating: be prepared to back up your position in mediation with a rational explanation or reason. And be prepared and willing to explain your reason for disagreeing with proposals made by the other side, and to always make a counter-proposal when you reject something suggested by the other side. These basic rules can prevent frustration with the negotiation and deadlock. 10. If the mediation is a family mediation, consider going for individual or family therapy at the same time. Having a professional onside to help you deal with the emotional fallout for you, your ex-spouse and your children at this very hard time can be enormously beneficial, both in and out of mediation. If your mediator recommends therapy, act on the recommendation, as it will enhance the success of the mediation process. 11. Be prepared with all relevant financial documents. In family mediation, your mediator will ask you to complete a sworn financial statement. Take the time before mediation begins to learn what is expected from you in terms of financial disclosure and have it ready for the first meeting if possible. 12. Let your mediator know in advance if either you or the other person has any special dietary, cultural or other needs. 13. Be clear with your lawyer. If you consult with a lawyer before the mediation begins, be clear with your lawyer about what you want to accomplish in mediation and why. Make sure your lawyer understands enough about you and your goals to feel comfortable supporting you in your choice to mediate and the decisions you make. • back to top