Caveat: I am no psychologist or psychiatrist. I often tell clients I am not my own surgeon, so I find help where help is needed from professionals.
This holds even in the mediation space, where clients may need, as part of emotional readiness, to be provided with counselling or therapeutic care resources to help them get ready for mediation and to have some support as they go through the emotional challenges brought on by separation.
As a mediator, we are managing a process in which folks are often times at various stages of the grief process, after all, when a relationship ends it is often mourned like a death. Many clients are emotionally overwhelmed, which can affect their ability to fully engage in the process. Understanding where a client may be emotionally helps mediators adapt their approach and ensure ethical, trauma-informed practice.
This is my quick takeaway on how each stage of the grief cycle could affect mediation and what we can do as mediators to help our clients.
Denial: In this stage, the client may refuse or be ready to accept that the relationship has ended. They sometimes engage in mediation, hoping for reconciliation despite your best efforts to manage their expectations, which includes clearly defining your role as a neutral third-party facilitating discussions to help parties reach agreements. They often engage in intentional delays, whether delays in decisions or in providing readily accessible documents and information, or they might pursue unrealistic outcomes. Many times, they come across as being wholly disconnected.
Help: Clarify the process and set realistic expectations; reiterate that mediation focusses on resolving current disputes; assess if the party is ready to proceed, and if not, offer therapeutic or counselling resources; be empathetic; validate emotions. If both seem to be willing to reconcile, then consider suggesting couples counseling or therapy as a more suitable forum.
Anger: In this stage, clients may engage in blaming the other party. We often see diametrically opposed positions being taken, little or no concessions, proposals are less about interest and more about rigid and inflexible positions; conversations are often not constructive and find their way back to the reasons for the breakdown; little to no concessions are made, resistance to compromise and emotional outbursts that may warrant caucusing or shuttling the mediation if it continues.
Help: As mediators we have to be comfortable with high emotions. We sometimes have to remain silent. It is sometimes cathartic for folks “to get things off their chest”. The less the weight of the emotions the higher chance of productive conversations unfolding. We must remain calm, neutral and non-judgmental. We must validate emotions. Reframe what we are hearing. Use caucusing to deescalate the emotions.
Bargaining: During this stage, clients may make proposals that are wholly unrealistic or not in their own best interests. For example, one party might offer more parenting time to the other, even if it doesn’t reflect what they truly want, because they are hoping for reconciliation. Sometimes, a party ends up bargaining against themselves, making concessions without getting anything in return, which can signal a lack of personal autonomy or pressure to appease. In some cases, what appears to be a “bargain” is actually a reflection of a power imbalance, where one party uses control, guilt, or intimidation to get the other to agree.
Help: Caucus to explore the underlying concerns and what is motivating those proposals; assess whether the party is motivated by fear, guilt, a desire to reconcile, or external pressure; help the client reflect on the proposals; overall, we have to ensure that the process is fair. Assess if mediation is appropriate.
Depression: In this stage, clients might express hopelessness. They sometimes come across as passive, which means they don’t express their preferences and often defer to the other party’s wishes. They are often more focused on ending the conflict rather than getting to a fair deal. In general, they struggle to make decisions.
Help: Slow down the mediation; check in with the party; pause the mediation; can refer the client to supports/resources
Acceptance: This might be the best stage to work with the client. They are, in large part, more emotionally ready to pursue resolution, can be constructive, can hear the other party out, and can speak up for themselves. They are usually more ready to engage in future-focused discussions. They are also more autonomous.
Help: Support meaningful progress; shift conversation to problem-solving; invite flexibility; Commend self-determination.
*** Of course, these phases are not static, and in one session or over multiple mediation sessions, clients may move back and forth between stages.
***Overall, be empathetic, patient, offer breaks, use caucus, and refer to supports.