At a past workshop I did with fellow parents of teenagers, I was asked whether it is appropriate to ever negotiate with a teenager. It is a good question. Especially if we consider our role to be that of boundary-setter.
originally posted March 2010
How can we negotiate without losing authority?
I think one of the hardest things for parents of teens to accept is that they cannot control their children at this age. Not their behaviour. Not their language. Not their appearance. Not their tendency to lie. Not their decisions to drink, stay out past curfew, smoke weed or paint graffiti.
Some parents find this alarming; and those are the very parents who experience the most conflict with their children.
Things to consider when negotiating with your teen
In one of the books I have read, parents are advised to “never negotiate with a terrorist”. I could not disagree more. Teens who act like terrorists do so for a reason. The conflict we experience with them is a good thing; it shows that they need and want to remain engaged with us. If they did not care, they would just stop fighting. They need us, and so they maintain a connection through conflict. They are defining for themselves the boundaries of a healthy parent-child relationship, and that means they will at times act like terrorists.
So how do you negotiate with someone like that? First, by accepting and loving them, unconditionally, for who and what they are. By standing firm about your expectations of them, and letting them know that you will not accept a violation of the rules. By treating them like the responsible person you expect them to be. By being clear about the consequences of any breach of the rules. (You will need to decide for yourself whether punishment is an effective deterrent.) By being a thoughtful, calm, patient, non-judging and empathetic listener. And by being willing to flex when, after hearing them, they make some sense and help you realize that perhaps the rule should be bent or changed.
Negotiation with teens is not that much different from negotiation with any other difficult person; it just takes a willingness on the part of the parent to understand the needs of the person with whom they are negotiating. And teens have a very unique set of needs that are, thankfully, temporary.
Hilary Linton is a Toronto lawyer whose practice is restricted to providing mediation, arbitration, teaching and consulting services. She has used her years of experience to launch her ADR business, Riverdale Mediation, which specializes in family mediation and arbitration, teaching mediation and negotiation theory and skills, and private training and consulting for corporations, government and individuals.
